Tyler Perry’s 2010 Cobra Tournament of Death Part 2

Dead Joe

..."Pretty Lights"... Seriously, how does this guy survive?

So we captured this guy a couple weeks back after a huge laser battle with the Joe team.  When I say “huge” laser battle I mean HUGE.  “Jets-exploding-with-one-shot” type of huge.  One of our guys was actually wounded!  Granted, it was a minor skin abrasion from scuffing his knee while running away, but a wound none the less.  Anyway, we captured this Joe towards the end of the ordeal and brought him back to Cobra Island.  At first I couldn’t tell if he some massive head trauma or not because of all his mumbling but it turns out the guy is just like that I guess.  We couldn’t really get his name from him but after Mindbender insisted that we strip him down to check for contraband*, we found the name BAZOOKA! written on his tighty whities.  The guy has been here for about 3 weeks now and the Joes haven’t tried to rescue him at all.  Cobra Commander said we would have killed him but it seemed like the Joes didn’t even know he was gone.  So putting him in the CToD was the next logical step.

* the only thing we found on him was a tatoo on his left butt cheek of a dude that looked like Lando Calrissian in a midget’s biker jacket.  Wonder who “Al” is?

As promised, here are the rest of the results for Round 1:

Round 1 part 2 results

Middle East: Trucial Abysmia

(1) David Bowie vs (16) Tay “Chocolate Rain” Zonday

Major Tom had no problem dispatching his first round fodder.  Bowie on.

(8) James Worthy vs (9) Nic Cage

Big Game James was the early favorite, but the undercover Coppola could be anyone!  Cage advances.

(5) Matt Lauer vs (12) Harrison Ford’s stunt double

Stunt doubles may be cool but Harrison Ford characters always get beat to a pulp anyway.  Captain Sarcastic advances shut up.  I.  HATE.  MATT.  LAUER.

(4) Subway Jared vs (13) Karl Rove

Rove is a mastermind on par with Brainiac or Patton choked Jared to death with his own “fat pants”.  You will no longer hear the “$5 Dollar Footlong” song again.  Thank you, Karl Rove.  You may proceed.

(6) A descendant of Jonas Salk vs (11) Somali Pirate

The pirate beat the Salt of Salk’s Stalk til he was a crippled mess.  We thought the irony was poetic.  Mr. Pirate does not know what irony means though.  Parley, pirate.

(3) Bjork vs (14) A guy dressed as Batman

Winged freak terrorizes??  Wait…which one?   Bjork to the round of 32.

(7) Cobra Commander’s 8th grade crush vs (10) Hannah Montana

Nancy Pelosi vs Miley Cyrus.  Damn.  Both are pretty terrifying.  Push?  Okay, fine.  Crush on through.

(2) Mickey Rourke’s plastic surgeon vs (15) The US Ambassador to Turkey

Dr. Frankenstein in a shut out.  Man, he really carved  that Turkey.


South America: Sierra Gordo Bracket

(1) Nadia “Octomom” Slaimon vs (16) Jerry (of Ben & Jerry fame)
Did she…?  Did she just swallow him whole with her uterus?  His screams echoed for a 3 minutes.  Horrible.  Octomom for the win.

(8) Dr. Sanjay Gupta vs (9) Jon Bon Jovi

Neurosurgeon.  Author.  Emmy award winner.  White House advisor.  Philanthropist.  But can he ride a steel horse? CAN HE RIDE A STEEL HORSE??? NO!!!!  Bongiovi rocks on.

(5) Tyler Perry vs (12) Gary Coleman

Coleman may have punched a woman before, but not one this big.  Or angry.  Madea goes to jail the next round.

(4) Discovery’s Mike Rowe vs (13) Clay Aiken

Mike Rowe fights dirty.  But didn’t have to.  I mean, c’mon.  Clay Aiken?  Clay.  Aiken.  Mike Rowe trucks on to his next job.

(6) El Chupacabra vs (11) Stephen Sommers

Sommers promised a good fight that older fans would love but it just flopped. El Chupacabra gnawed his way to victory. So much for “The Mummy XII: Electric Boogaloo”.  El Chupacabra wins.

(3) Bazooka vs (14) A script for Transformers 3

Both are really dumb. Both have been left for dead numerous times. For the first time ever, Bazooka survives the first round.

(7) Baby Jessica vs (10) Star Wars fanboy

Both spent part of their lives trapped in the dark with little hope of ever being normal. At least Jessica McClure moved on, and out of her parents’ basement. Still, Star Wars geeks are powerful (I guess?). N3rd-o tried to convince Jessica she was trapped in a Sarlacc pit until she left, screaming.  Well played, kid. Well played.

(2) Donald Trump vs (15) Tele-Viper #4

The Donald has a laser cannon mounted under his kevlar-coated hair (-piece? I dunno. You check.).  Laser Trumps the viper.


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