Tyler Perry’s 2010 Cobra Tournament of Death Part 2

Dead Joe

..."Pretty Lights"... Seriously, how does this guy survive?

So we captured this guy a couple weeks back after a huge laser battle with the Joe team.  When I say “huge” laser battle I mean HUGE.  “Jets-exploding-with-one-shot” type of huge.  One of our guys was actually wounded!  Granted, it was a minor skin abrasion from scuffing his knee while running away, but a wound none the less.  Anyway, we captured this Joe towards the end of the ordeal and brought him back to Cobra Island.  At first I couldn’t tell if he some massive head trauma or not because of all his mumbling but it turns out the guy is just like that I guess.  We couldn’t really get his name from him but after Mindbender insisted that we strip him down to check for contraband*, we found the name BAZOOKA! written on his tighty whities.  The guy has been here for about 3 weeks now and the Joes haven’t tried to rescue him at all.  Cobra Commander said we would have killed him but it seemed like the Joes didn’t even know he was gone.  So putting him in the CToD was the next logical step.

* the only thing we found on him was a tatoo on his left butt cheek of a dude that looked like Lando Calrissian in a midget’s biker jacket.  Wonder who “Al” is?

As promised, here are the rest of the results for Round 1:

Read more »

Tyler Perry’s 2010 Cobra Tournament of Death Round 1

Halftime Show...Ramar shown here "raising the roof".

Sorry for the late post, I’ve been laid up in the infirmary since Thursday.  While watching the Tourney, a couple of drunk Crimson Guardsmen started talking smack about one of O’Shansky’s favorite ladies.  Nothing more creepy than a bunch of inebriated & surgically altered dudes who look alike screaming “GaGa is a DUDE!  She’s got a wang and the disco stick doesn’t lie!”  O’Shansky destroyed about 7 of them and was on his 8th one before Sarge broke it up.  They found O’Shansky’s teeth in one of them.  I think his name was Fred or something.  Or was that the other one?  Either way, it was intense.

Halftime of the Swarm of Bees vs Writers of Heroes match-up was pretty interesting.  Slave Gladiator “Ramar” and his fellow captives recreated the Zombie dance scene from “Thriller”.  Not bad.  Fun Fact: Destro does a pretty mean Vincent Price impersonation. I kid you not.

So without further ado, I give you Part 1 of the first round highlights: Read more »

March Terror Drome Madness!

"Two men enter, one man leaves"

2010 Cobra Tournament of Death

Well, it’s March and that can only mean three things: Green Beer, Brackets and watching people fight to the death for sport!  Yep, it’s time for Cobra March Madness.  It’s that time of year where old and young Cobras alike pull out their brackets and start placing their bets on who will be the “last man/woman standing”.  See, Cobra Commander loves the NCAA’s and seeing how it would take a lot of time and resources to train 300 or so B.A.T.s to play basketball, he did the next best thing: Capture 65 “relatively” prominent figures, place them in a tournament where they are given a variety of weapons designed for hand-to-hand combat and let them go to town.  Last guy standing wins…er, or something to that effect.

I can’t tell you how excited I am about this year’s match-ups!  Especially the following: Read more »

Viva Las Cobras!

Vegas was awesome!  You know that motto “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”?  Well, I find that to be true especially of the wealthy sheiks that owed Destro arms money.  We should change it to “What dies in Vegas, stays buried in an oil drum outside of Vegas.”  The “work” portion of our trip went off without a hitch but the “play” part of our story was…well, interesting.  I’d say for the most part we had a blast.  Our buddy TJ Hooka kept looking around for Plinko and Hi-Lo to play at the casinos.   We had to break it to that slack-jawed yokel that those were “Price is Right” games and the games here were for “grown ups”.  He didn’t seem too concerned later when he made friends with a couple of showgirls.  At least we told him they were showgirls.  I’m pretty sure they were girls.

Highlights of our Vegas trip:

  • O’Shansky trying to train Sigfried and Roy’s tigers to maul people in the audience.
  • Saw Elvis. 34 different times. In 1 day.
  • Being mistaken for the Blue Man Group while we were in uniform.
  • Got kicked out of The Sands for trying to replace the lucky 7’s in slot machines with Cobra emblems.
  • At least 4 of us swear we watched Destro mouth the words to “My Heart Will Go On” at the Celine Dion 9pm show.
  • Drove to Reno Sunday afternoon so we could shoot a man just to watch him die.
  • Buffets!
  • At the Bellagio, a craps dealer yells out “snake eyes” & O’Shansky pisses himself before fainting!  SO AWESOME!

This Week’s Torture Schedule:

Sorry guys but my list that I wrote down got ruined at last night’s water boarding festivities.  My pant pockets got wet.  Side note:  Anyone know a good remedy to get both blood & ink stains out of your pants?

Ask O’Shansky

This is a new part of the blog that I promised O’Shansky I would include every now and then.  Since we’ve started twittering, O’Shansky has developed himself a little bit of a following.  Granted they are composed mainly of single women ages 64-64.5 and felons in a small federal prison based out of Texas, but a following none the less.  So with this new found fame, he has requested an opportunity to answer some question from his personal fan mail.  Without further ado, I give you his responses…

Q:  “Dear Mr. O’Shansky, I love your work and all the trouble you seem to get yourself into!  I was wondering what a typical day at Cobra is like for you?” – Beatrice, NC

A:  Thank you very much, Beatrice.  There is no such thing as a typical day for me at Cobra but I’d say that I get stuck guarding prisoners quite a bit.  What that means is a lot of solitaire and practice for my stand up routine.  Otherwise, I do whatever they tell me to do. They have a tendency to shoot guys who don’t.  Also, I like laser practice, parachute training & picking on the other Blueshirt who looks like Seinfeld that Major Bludd calls “Leslie”.

Q:  “Who is more evil, Cobra Commander or Serpentor?” – Rob, MI

A: My money is on Jay Leno.

Q: “What is one of your goals in life?” – Chauncey “The Knife”, TX

A: I’d like to have Hasbro make an action figure out of me. (Whispering) What? (More whispering) It seems they did.  Very well.  In that case, sing with Lady GaGa and Beyonce.

From Vancouver Cold to Vegas Gold!

Been a while since my last entry so I’ll get everyone up to speed.

The attack on the Vancouver Olympics was…a failed attempt for the most part with some minimal success.  Cobra Commander was miffed that the Vancouver Winter Olympic Committee didn’t recognize Cobra Island as a sovereign nation, we could not compete.  Well, that and he LOATHES Wayne Gretzky for some reason (something about when they were kids).  Anyway, while we didn’t accomplish our goal of using the Weather Dominator to melt the snow and ice, turning that place into Canada’s largest and only beach party ever OR kidnapping Shawn White (Mindbender loves his Target clothing line), we did have a couple of things go in our favor.  For instance at the opening ceremony, O’Shanksy and I (along with 374 Snow Serpents) were supposed to come up out of the bottom of the arena while K.D. Lang was bellowing out some song O’Shansky insists was on a Shrek soundtrack.  Well,  that dumb ox (O’Shanksy, not Lang) knocked down several troopers while putting his snow shoes on and he himself fell on the controls for a lift of some sort.  Turns out that lift was the “malfunctioning arm” for the torch.  We took a quick peep and noticed Wayne Gretzky standing there looking helpless like a little baby, waiting for the final arm to rise.  Ha ha ha…man, we had some good laughs at that one!  Even that traitor Matt “Captain Obvious” Lauer made some snarky comments on it.

Other highlights:

  • Successfully snuffed out the Sri Lankan curling team.  What?  You didn’t know Sri Lanka had a curling team?  Exactly.
  • Scrambled the NBC broadcast to only show Ice Dancing for two whole days.
  • Cobra Island bobsled team was disqualified for blades being too sharp; also, machine guns on front were illegal.
  • Made Lindsey Vonn crash…repeatedly.
  • Infiltrated the US Men’s Ski Team (you’re my boy, Bode!)
  • Would have placed first in the Men’s 15km Biathlon if RPGs were allowed.

So as a result of our Winter Olympic experience, O’Shansky and I have been “rewarded” with some Cobra R&R in Las Vegas this weekend!  When I say R&R I mean “Assault Team”.  Apparently, there are some Sheiks there that owe Destro some arms money and we’re going to collect.  I’m super excited.  I mean, I’ve never been to Las Vegas and I’m really hoping to run into George Clooney or the cast from CSI or something, win some big money and crack some skulls.  And by “crack some skulls” I mean “not get killed”.

On a separate note:  The day of reckoning  is coming Lauer.

Lent

Cobra Commander is giving up self-control for Lent.  He is also mandating that we give up “cognitive thought and collective will to live” but I was thinking of just giving up Starbucks.  I like my will to live.  So please excuse any tweets or posts in the next 40 days that may contain sudden, uncontrolled outbursts.  It’s just me fighting my need for caffeine…or actual fighting, whichever the case may be.

Hello World…Domination!

Just trying out this new idea to set up a blog of my adventures.  I figure this is a much better way of staying in touch with my mom so she’ll stop calling the Terror Drome every week!